Journal Entry – 23/4/2024

I realised early on in life that I had a mind that was very different to most. My first stepfather never had too many nice words to say about anyone but I always seem to remember hearing him talk to my mum about how intelligent I was.

They had many conversations about sending me off to a grammar school and I’m sure that they would have if we had had any money as a family.

Sometimes I wonder where I might be now had we not been so poor and had I not turned to football and computer games as a means to impress him and get his approval to fill the void that my father had left.

Of course, it is dangerous to think too often about what could have been, and I choose to look at my life now through a lens of gratitude instead. I have to remind myself that it could have been so different.

When I look back at the storms and turbulence, it really is no wonder that I have such a colourful mind these days. I was formed in hell. My no-good, alcoholic father had already turned against my mum whilst I was in the womb. I felt all of her fears, anger, and anxiety, as well as the depth and fierceness of her love from the moment that I came into existence.

A little later on in life, whenever I was naughty, I was sent to my room to ‘think about what you have done.’ My punishment was to think. Can you believe that? Now as an adult, I spend much of my time in contemplation about the things that I have done, thinking of reasons and solutions and piecing together the puzzle of this existence.

When I started out on my inward journey just over six years ago, felt the deepest desire to share more of these parts of myself because I knew that, buried somewhere in my depths, beneath the years of conditioning and conformity, there was a mind and a way of thinking that this world desperately needed.