Journal Entry – Beside the Waters at Trigonos

I always knew that I was destined for something, I just never knew what it was. From a young age I felt a pull to be somebody in this world and to do something meaningful with this life of mine.

I guess you could say that I have felt a subconscious pressure throughout most of my life to be everything that my father wasn’t. Maybe that’s why I feel this relentless pull to create and to achieve something with my art. Perhaps, one day, I will fill the gaping void that’s been missing inside of me since I entered this world, and feel the fatherly love that I have always craved.

When I was growing up, my mum never had a nice word to say about my father. In fact, she didn’t have a nice word to say about many men, to be quite honest. Men only wanted one thing. They thought with their dicks and didn’t care about anyone but themselves.

I think I owe it to that voice of my mother that lives on inside of me for my habit of neglecting myself from time to time, and putting others’ needs before mine.

I also owe it to her for crafting me like a sword into the man that I am today. With her scathing words whenever I lied or cheated, she ensured that I was led by my morals for the most part.

I was a self-confessed ‘good boy’ throughout my childhood and teenage years – trying to never put a foot wrong. Even when I did, I would quickly come clean and own up to it because I couldn’t bare the thought of being a ‘liar’. This fear was made worse when I was dragged to church in my teenage years. Now I had to live with the thought of God watching over me from a seat on a cloud in the sky.

Thankfully, I learnt to rebel in my twenties, taking my fair share of drugs, drinking, and partying lots. I met a good few women and lay with them, too. I hope now that ‘God’ was watching.

Those encounters never really fulfilled me, to be honest. I have been seeking something much deeper since I was a child. I never did care too much for cheap validation from women, and a part of me can’t help but judge those who do and see their weakness. My mum gave me enough love when I was young to last a few lifetimes – so much, in fact, that it started to repulse me from the age of seven or eight. I would reject her whenever she came too close to me and I spent the next couple of decades pushing her away. The thought of being seen as her ‘little man’ throughout my teenage years made me feel quite sick.

I cut her off and became my own man early on in life and learnt quickly to make my own decisions. My friends never seemed to like that about me when I come to think of it. Many of them seemed to grow quite jealous and resorted to covert tactics to damage my sense of self. I was the butt of a lot of jokes within the group and they seemed to find some sick joy in excluding me from activities. The tactics worked, too. I took a lot personally and never really knew how to stand up for myself and set boundaries. I was taught that violence was never the answer and to ‘turn the other cheek’. What a load of bullshit that was. That kind of attitude caused a young man to get walked all over for many years and if I could go back to those moments as the man that I am today, I would be sure to communicate my boundaries in a not-so-friendly manner.

Despite my soft and sensitive appearance, only I really know the strength that lies within, and I know how far that is going to take me in this world. Many people will never see that strength, and I’m ok with that now. I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone too often anymore, and, instead, I like to let my creative works do my talking for me.

Sometimes I wonder if my work will ever stop, but I can’t see it happening so long as there is air in my lungs. I could never be one of those idiots that sits on their arses all day drinking and smoking and playing video games. Life is far too precious to waste too much time here.

I have seen so much beauty over the past few years, and my eyes have been opened so wide that I couldn’t shut them if I tried. Right now, I sit and look out over the beautiful, calm waters of Llyn Nantlle towards the Nantlle Ridge in Snowdonia, thinking about how far I have come in this life, and how far I have yet to go.